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What Is Love, Really? Unpacking the Myths and Realities of Connection

RelationStitch Podcast – Episode 4

Love is one of the most powerful forces in the world — and one of the most misunderstood. We write songs about it, chase it, fear it, lose it, and sometimes confuse it with things that look like love but couldn’t be further from the real thing.

In Episode 4 of the RelationStitch Podcast, Stephanie and I dive into one of the most loaded questions in human history:

“What is love, really?”

And no, not the 90s dance‑floor version. We’re talking about the kind of love that shapes marriages, families, identity, and legacy.



What we uncover in this conversation is something I see every week in my therapy office here in Conroe: people staying in toxic, painful, or abusive relationships because they believe their suffering is proof of love.

It’s not.

And in this post, I want to walk you through the myths, the traps, the psychology, and the spiritual truth behind what love actually is — and what it is not.

The “Love” Trap: Why We Stay in Painful Relationships

I open the episode with a scenario I’ve heard countless times:

“Clyde, I know they cheated again… but I just love them.”

Or:

“Yes, they yelled, belittled me, and broke my trust… but I can’t leave. I love them.”

When I hear this, I don’t question their sincerity. I question their definition of love.

Because here’s the truth:

Many people aren’t in love — they’re in a trauma pattern.

If you grew up in a home where affection was inconsistent, where chaos was normal, or where “love” came packaged with fear, neglect, or manipulation, your nervous system learned something dangerous:

Love = intensity. Love = instability. Love = pain followed by relief.

That cycle becomes familiar. And what is familiar often feels like “home,” even when it hurts.

This is why so many adults confuse:

  • anxiety with passion

  • chaos with chemistry

  • inconsistency with desire

  • control with commitment

If your childhood taught you that love is something you have to earn, chase, or survive, then healthy love — calm, steady, safe love — might feel boring or suspicious.

This is not a character flaw. It’s conditioning.

And until we name it, we repeat it.

Myths We Believe About Love

Stephanie and I spend a good portion of the episode breaking down the cultural lies that shape our expectations. These myths are powerful because they’re everywhere — in movies, music, social media, and even in the stories we tell ourselves.

Let’s unpack the big ones.

1. The Disney Effect: The Prince Charming Illusion

Disney gave us beautiful stories — but also some deeply unrealistic expectations.

In fairy tales:

  • Love is instant.

  • Conflict is minimal.

  • The hero always rescues.

  • The villain is obvious.

  • The ending is guaranteed.

But real relationships don’t work like that.

There is no perfect partner who magically completes you. There is no “happily ever after” without effort, communication, and growth.

When we expect a fairy tale, we end up disappointed by real humans with real flaws. And sometimes, we cling to the fantasy so tightly that we ignore red flags.

2. Social Media Love: The Narcissistic Illusion

If Disney gave us unrealistic expectations, social media gave us performative love.

We see:

  • curated date nights

  • extravagant gifts

  • filtered selfies

  • “relationship goals” videos

  • public declarations of affection

But what we don’t see is the truth behind the camera.

Social media often rewards narcissistic displays — love that is loud, flashy, and self‑promoting. It prioritizes aesthetic over authenticity.

And when couples compare their real relationship to someone else’s highlight reel, insecurity grows.

3. Sex vs. Love: The Trauma Bond Cycle

One of the most dangerous myths is the idea that sex = love.

They are connected, yes. But they are not the same.

In toxic relationships, sex can become part of a Trauma Bond — a cycle of:

  1. tension

  2. explosion

  3. apology

  4. affection

  5. “makeup sex”

  6. calm

  7. repeat

This cycle creates a powerful chemical attachment in the brain — the same dopamine‑rollercoaster pattern seen in gambling addiction.

It feels like passion. It feels like intensity. It feels like “I can’t live without them.”

But it’s not love. It’s neurological captivity.

Finding the Healthy Middle: What Love Actually Looks Like

So if love isn’t chaos, fantasy, or performance… what is it?

In the episode, I talk about Ross Rosenberg’s Continuum of Self, which describes two unhealthy extremes:

Codependency

  • Losing yourself to keep the relationship alive.

  • People‑pleasing

  • Over‑functioning

  • Absorbing blame

  • Carrying the emotional load

Pathological Narcissism

  • Making everything about you

  • Demanding admiration

  • Avoiding accountability

  • Using others to meet your needs

  • Punishing people for having boundaries

Healthy love lives in the middle — a place of mutuality, respect, and emotional balance.

Love Languages: A Tool, Not a Weapon

Stephanie and I also talk about the Love Languages framework. It’s helpful — but only when used correctly.

Healthy use:“ I want to love you in the way you receive love best.”

Unhealthy use: “You’re not giving me my love language, so you’re failing me.”

Love Languages were never meant to be demands. They were meant to be gifts.

When used selfishly, they become manipulation. When used generously, they become connection.

So… What Is Love?

After breaking down the myths, the trauma patterns, and the cultural distortions, we land on this:

**Love is not intensity.

Love is not chaos. Love is not sacrifice without reciprocity. Love is not pain disguised as passion.

Love is:

  • patient

  • kind

  • steady

  • safe

  • honest

  • sacrificial

  • mutual

  • growth‑oriented

  • anchored in truth

And yes — the clearest definition we have comes from Scripture.

In the episode, we set the stage for our next conversation: a deep dive into 1 Corinthians 13, the biblical blueprint for love that is both spiritually grounded and psychologically sound.

Because at the end of the day, real love isn’t found in Hollywood, Disney, or Instagram.

Real love is found in:

  • character

  • consistency

  • commitment

  • compassion

  • Christ

The Takeaway: Love Is Not a Feeling — It’s a Formation

If you take nothing else from this episode, take this:

Love is not something you fall into.

Love is something you grow into.

It’s not an accident. It’s not a chemical rush. It’s not a rescue mission. It’s not a fantasy. It’s not a trauma pattern.

Love is a daily choice to show up with truth, humility, and emotional maturity.

And when you understand what love really is, you stop settling for what love is not.


 
 
 

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