Love Is Patient, Love Is Kind… But How?

RelationStitch Podcast – Episode 5

Love is one of the most beautiful words in the human vocabulary — and one of the most misunderstood. We say it easily, crave it deeply, and often struggle to live it out in the ways Scripture calls us to. In Episode 5 of the RelationStitch Podcast, Stephanie and I continue our deep dive into the true definition of love by turning to one of the most quoted — and least practiced — passages in the Bible: 1 Corinthians 13:4.

“Love is patient, love is kind…”

Most of us have heard these words at weddings, on wall art, or in devotionals. But hearing them is one thing. Living them inside a real marriage — with real stress, real triggers, real histories, and real human flaws — is something entirely different.

In this episode, we break down what patience and kindness actually look like in day‑to‑day relationships. Not as poetic ideals, but as practical, actionable behaviors that strengthen connection and reflect the heart of God.

🎥 Watch the full episode here: https://youtu.be/QpQgCOVNEvs?si=8zIWEHT_ZWSKpVwn

Let’s unpack these two pillars of love — and more importantly, explore how to practice them.

Patience: The First Line of Defense in Love

There’s a reason Paul lists patience first. Patience is the foundation that supports every other virtue in the passage. Without patience, kindness collapses. Without patience, humility becomes impossible. Without patience, forgiveness feels unreachable.

When I talk about patience in my therapy office, I’m not talking about passive waiting or gritting your teeth until your partner “gets it together.” I define patience as:

Maintaining composure without complaint or loss of temper.

It’s emotional steadiness. It’s self‑control. It’s the ability to regulate your internal world so you don’t damage the external one — especially the person you love.

And here’s the part most people miss:

Patience is fundamentally a time issue.

Waiting — for anything — creates stress.

• Waiting for a medical diagnosis

• Waiting for a job offer

• Waiting for your spouse to grow in an area

• Waiting for healing

• Waiting for change

• Waiting for Christmas morning

Whether the outcome is positive or negative, the waiting itself activates anxiety. And when we don’t know how to regulate that anxiety, we often take it out on the person closest to us.

This is why patience is so hard in marriage. It’s not because your partner is slow. It’s because waiting is stressful, and stress demands an outlet.

Healthy couples learn to release that stress without weaponizing it.

Patience Requires Emotional Regulation

One of the biggest skills I teach couples is emotional regulation — the ability to notice your internal state and choose your response instead of reacting impulsively.

When you’re waiting on your partner to grow, change, heal, or understand something, your nervous system is activated. You feel the tension. You feel the uncertainty. You feel the discomfort of time passing without resolution.

If you don’t regulate that discomfort, it spills out as:

• irritation

• sarcasm

• criticism

• passive‑aggressive comments

• withdrawal

• anger

Patience is not pretending you’re fine. Patience is managing your emotions so you don’t punish your partner for being human.

Shift Your Focus: Look for “Glimmers of Hope”

Stephanie brings a powerful insight in this episode: Patience grows when you shift your focus.

Most of us naturally scan for what our partner is doing wrong:

• “They still haven’t changed.”

• “They always do this.”

• “They never listen.”

• “They’re not trying hard enough.”

This mindset fuels impatience.

But when you intentionally look for “glimmers of hope” — small signs of progress, effort, or growth — your heart softens.

• “They handled that better than last time.”

• “They apologized quicker.”

• “They’re trying to communicate.”

• “They’re showing effort.”

Patience isn’t blind. It’s observant — but it chooses to observe the good.

This shift doesn’t excuse harmful behavior. It simply keeps your heart open long enough for growth to take root.

Kindness: Action, Not Attitude

If patience is the internal posture of love, kindness is the external expression.

A lot of people confuse “nice” with “kind. ”But niceness is a disposition — a personality trait. Kindness is a choice.

Kindness is action. Kindness is sacrifice. Kindness is intentionality.

It’s doing what is good, beneficial, and compassionate for your partner — even when you don’t feel like it.

The King and the Fool: A Marriage‑Changing Metaphor

Stephanie shares one of the most powerful metaphors we’ve ever used on the podcast:

“Living inside your spouse is a fool and a king (or queen). Who you speak to is who will show up.”

Every person has both:

• the insecure version of themselves

• the confident version

• the wounded version

• the healed version

• the reactive version

• the wise version

Your tone, your words, and your posture determine which version rises to the surface.

If you speak to the fool — with contempt, sarcasm, or belittling — the fool will respond.

If you speak to the king — with honor, respect, and belief — the king will rise.

Kindness calls out the best in your partner. Cruelty calls out the worst.

Kindness Requires Understanding “Dispositional Needs”

One of the most overlooked aspects of kindness is understanding your partner’s dispositional needs — the unique preferences, quirks, and sensitivities shaped by their childhood.

These needs often seem irrational on the surface:

• Why they insist on American cheese

• Why they fold towels a certain way

• Why they need the house quiet at night

• Why they panic when plans change

• Why they avoid conflict

• Why they cling during conflict

These behaviors aren’t random. They’re rooted in lived experience.

When you understand the story behind the behavior, compassion grows.

Kindness says:

“I may not understand this yet, but I’m willing to learn.”

Kindness is curiosity. Kindness is empathy. Kindness is choosing connection over convenience.

Take the Audit: Are You Practicing Love?

Toward the end of the episode, Stephanie and I challenge listeners to take a self‑audit using synonyms and antonyms of patience and kindness.

This is where the rubber meets the road.

Patience Audit

Are you being:

• composed

• stable

• calm

• steady

• tolerant

• long‑suffering

Or are you being:

• defiant

• resistant

• irritable

• short‑tempered

• demanding

• easily provoked

Kindness Audit

Are you being:

• tender

• benign

• compassionate

• gentle

• helpful

• warm

Or are you being:

• cruel

• harsh

• thoughtless

• dismissive

• cold

• self‑focused

This isn’t about shame. It’s about awareness.

You cannot practice love intentionally if you don’t know where you’re falling short.

Why Patience and Kindness Matter So Much

Patience and kindness are not random virtues. They are the first two descriptors of love because they shape everything that follows.

Without patience, love becomes reactive. Without kindness, love becomes self‑centered.

Patience protects the relationship from emotional volatility. Kindness nurtures the relationship with emotional safety.

Together, they create an environment where:

• trust grows

• vulnerability feels safe

• conflict becomes productive

• healing becomes possible

• intimacy deepens

• connection strengthens

Patience is the soil. Kindness is the water. Love grows in both.

The Real Question: How Do We Live This Out Daily?

Here’s the truth I tell every couple I work with:

You cannot practice patience and kindness consistently without spiritual grounding.

These virtues don’t come naturally. They require:

• humility

• self‑awareness

• emotional maturity

• surrender

• the Holy Spirit’s guidance

1 Corinthians 13 isn’t a poetic suggestion. It’s a blueprint for how God loves us — and how we are called to love each other.

When you anchor your relationship in this kind of love, everything changes.

The Takeaway: Love Is a Practice, Not a Feeling

If you take nothing else from this episode, take this:

Love is not something you feel.

Love is something you practice.

Patience is practiced in the waiting. Kindness is practiced in the choosing. Love is practiced in the daily moments where your flesh wants to react, but your spirit calls you higher.

When you commit to practicing patience and kindness, you’re not just improving your marriage — you’re becoming more like Christ.

And that is the kind of love that transforms everything.